This is a companion to the The Theophilus Project Podcast Episode 19.
Below is the full outline. Feel free to comment on the podcast below.
On today’s Episode I’m going to pull back the curtains a little and talk about some of the shadow work that is taking place within the Melanite Omniverse. It’s not buttoned up perfectly but as I’m going through these notebooks and scraps of paper that I’ve written my ideas down on, I’ve started to notice some reoccurring themes. Still making sense of all of them and haven’t reached any full on insights yet, but we’ll touch on some theories. If you’re intrigued, then meet me on the other side.
Today’s episode is titled Shadow Work: Connections. As I was going through my notes and ideas I noticed that very early on I’ve given each of the Vanguards of the Azure Dimension Guardians to help them run things. Now, while that means nothing to you, for me as I looked at one of the side stories I had going on for the Vanguard of Obsidian and tried to identify some side stories for the other guardians. I realized that these guardians were stand-ins for friends that I wanted or wished I had growing up.
Wouldn’t say I was a lonely kid. I had friends but not those fairytale friendships that the movies, TV Shows and books play up and I always wanted that.
I remember sitting on a green box one day - we called them green boxes. They’re those little electrical boxes every neighborhood has.
I remember I made up some stupid song about wanting friends and I get it. I’m coming across as pathetic and pitiful but it wasn’t really that bad. There were neighborhood kids I played with. I just think that they weren’t around at this particular time and, as I said, I had this over idealized idea of friendship.
That is one insight that I realize now. Television and movies warped my view of what friendship is/was/should be and here I am recreating it in stories about myself.
Now, as I’ve gotten older I have stumbled across it somewhat. I mean this is real life (unless you think we’re living in a simulation) and it is never like it is on TV, but my two best/closest friends are there and we have in-jokes. We even try to visit each other once a year except that lost year that we are calling 2020.
Now, I didn’t find this kinda friendship until what I am calling “late in life”. Now, I’m starting to come around to the idea that things happen when they are supposed to, but I wanted it then and there when I was a kid and didn’t run into my first friend until college. Then my other friend, I think I was in my thirties at the time. Geez.
What I realized as I was doing reviewing my notes and saw the threads that had been covered before, is that I was trying to create the friendships like I idealized them from the TV and shows, but if this project is going to simulate what life would be like in Earth’s Dimensional Upgrade, the Melanite Omniverse, I have to add some realism in it. Then I started thinking about what I still struggle with even in the friendships that I are close to me and I value.
One of the things I lean on my friends for - even though they may not realize it half the time - is to anchor me. I don’t really know how to explain that to anyone not inside my head, but that is the truest statement that I can utter. A lot of times I get lost in my own head and reaching out to them can, sometimes, help bring some perspective or even take my out of the dark spiral that my mind goes to.
They say that if you are depressed you should reach out to your friends and stuff, but I don’t know…I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.
“Oh, Man, here comes Theophilus. He’s probably moody again.”
In fact, I had employees praise me in one sentence and then turn around and call me moody.
Back then I was an insecure manager and took that to heart. Now, I would explain that sometimes I just get in my head and my face doesn’t always match my mindset. So, there is growth there.
But back to my story…
I don’t want to call my friends every time I feel down. No one would want to hang out with you then.
That brings me to another insight I had…
I don’t know where it comes from but I have abandonment issues. I’ve been feeling that way for a while. I won’t go too much into the things I’ve done but I will say that as a kid, I hated the last day of school. I mean, I loved it and I hated it because I wouldn’t see my “friends” for a while.
Up until fifth grade I went to a school close to where my mother taught — She asked permission and they gave it to her — I know how some of y’all are.
But it didn’t really change when I went to school with the neighborhood kids.
Then, I guess, as I got older it just more adult and stupid.
I was looking for a team builder once and found this Bingo Card for abandonment issues from bingobaker.com and there were only 10 squares out of 20 that didn’t sound like me.
I’m sure If I thought on it, I would have been able to have some examples of at least five of those.
Something that I realize now and that I’m working on in my personal life so as I continue to build out this universe and these sub-universes and worlds why not explore what a healthy relationship with friends and people are like.
I decided to explore these through the Sacred
Also, with this revelation I am going to retool some of the guardians under the Obsidian Universe and not give everyone equal access to the Vanguard and make it so that the Vanguard there worries about his interactions with his guardians.
Again, trying to make it like real life. I don’t want to give other little kids that there is only one idea of a perfect friendship and everything else falls short.
Not all of them will last either. I think that is the reality that I have a problem facing. What will these character do when it doesn’t last or it isn’t as perfect as it seems?
My writing mind is now thinking of which characters I’m going to put through the wringer. Logic dictates it should be the characters based on me, but I’m looking to switch up the narrative here so I may give my Avatar/simulation a happy ending.
I know its not real life but I am thinking of putting him through the wringer in other ways so his relationships may be a bit easier, but not a walk down the yellow brick road either.
For me this is all about the different kinds of connections out there and how to find the ones that last and even if they are around for a season or a reason, they are positively meaningful and that SOME of these characters have the mental capacity to see it and become aware of it.
Of course, not everyone’s able so we will have to make sure that is shown as well.
Admittedly, in my real life I’m still struggling with that. The Abandonment and my POD (Psi Overactive Disorder) or more commonly known here among the Earth Collective as Depression, still has me struggling to find the connections and believe that the connections that I have are real.
If you are like me, then keep working at it. Its draining and when you are spent, just take a breath and take the time. However, know when you have taken too much time. Four or five days may be a bit too much.
If you don’t have someone you can go to or trust, try and find someone to talk to. If you can’t afford a therapist then maybe some community based resources like United Way can help.
Hopefully, mental health resources will be more common place and affordable to those who don’t have premium insurance plans, but in the meantime, there are men and women out there who are putting in the work to help people.
If that doesn’t help or not likely, find a creative passion or something you enjoy doing and immerse yourself in it.
I’ve toyed with this idea long enough and skirted around it enough now. It’s time to get my head on straight and release the pressure valve on my brain and bleed (figuratively) on paper.
Enough of my ramblings for today. If you like the idea of exploring connections as part of this project let me know by leaving a comment or visiting my website Theophilus-Project.com and shooting me an e-mail.
If you know of not for profit resources that help people, then @me on twitter at TheophilusOri.
Thank you for listening to the Theophilus Project Podcast as I do creative Shadow Work and build a trans media Art and Science Project for the 21st Century.
You’ve been listening to The Theophilus Project…Da Da Dum.