• Theophilus Lamar

Theophilus Chronicles - #1




1/23/08


Possible eerie similarities.


So, it dawned on me how ironic my situation tonight is similar to what might have

happened to Heath Leader, the actor. I’m sure I’ll look back on this in several years and say, what in the world was I thinking?! But, now at 12:03am I can’t get to sleep. My mind is racing a thousand miles a minute and I can’t sleep despite the two sleeping pills I took.


There is nothing pressing or urgent that I’m thinking about. It has run from politics and

the question of race in the presidential election and whom do I support and making sure

8:30 and in by 9. I’ll have to stop off to the store and buy a fury or Red bull and hope that

blunders that I made. To my finances and the direction my life is taken or the lack thereof.

It just won’t calm down and allow me to sleep. So, I may not sleep till 2am then I’m up at

8:30 and in by 9. A circle that always happens and I can’t seem to break it.


I heard or read reports (can’t seem to distinguish them now) that after Heath Ledger did

Joker for Batman that he couldn’t sleep so he had sleeping pills prescribed. It was said he

couldn’t sleep because he was so wrapped up in the role of the joker. Not sure how much

of that is true or not, but I can understand the stuff your mind does and how fast it goes

and how it keeps the mind running even though the body wants to rest and sleep. I may

not have been in a potential blockbuster movie and played part, but I’ve been living this

off and on for a while. Today, for whatever reason is worse.


It could be that there is a lack of activity and I’m just bored. Hence me dwelling on it

because nothing is there to allow me to pull my mind away! I don’t know what happened

or at what point it started today.


I just need to spend a few days without CNN overload. The election and the bickering

will be here in three days. I actually just need to turn off the tv and disconnect the internet

for a few days and just write. Basically, purge the system. It's nuts!!! Can I do it, not sure.

TV is easy but TV and the internet? Not sure if I have the skills and willpower for that.

Let’s get distracted and let the pills take their course.

2/4/2007


I’m getting surprisingly good at telling when I get the look. The look that says, I’m better

than you. The look that implies you know nothing, the look that screams, “Oh please”

and has all the force and weight of smugness behind it.


I’ve got the vibe from her before. The kind of thought and vibe

that she is the know it all and no one else has anything to share. The feeling that I’m

being judged and not just judged as in, “hmmmm, I didn’t know that about you,” but

judged in a way that implies, “How did you get here.”


I congratulate myself that I’m better than I use to be. I could be wallowing in this right

now. Not sure where to go, feeling worthless and not worthy of life. As it stands now,

I’m fine. I’m not 100% or feeling as if I’m above it all, but it does inspire me to put

myself into my writing and just see where it takes me.


I know where I want it to take me! I want to write five books and have three become

bestsellers. I want to feel as if I accomplished something even if they don’t become best

sellers. I want to have people admire my work for my work and feel that it is really good.

I want to be able to say, I put my mind to something and accomplished it and know that

those who give me the look of contempt, laughed, or are just hard to figure out, as well as those who I know I have issues that don’t have anything to do with me,

will have to admit that they got it wrong.

2/26/10


I woke up this morning with a sense of peace and calm. I had nothing weighing on my

mind, I felt good emotionally and well rested. I wasn’t happy about life, but I would say I

was content. Life didn’t hate me and, at that moment, I didn’t hate it. Even then I knew

the feeling wasn’t going to last. I knew that something would intrude and put me back in

the hole. There were several moments throughout the day when I went in the hole. I

didn’t stay long and, overall, I was productive but now the day is over and I’m there.

I may have to explain too. My “day” is actually referring to yesterday. I haven’t slept yet.

Its 12:37 and I got back from an encounter.

3/1/10


I woke up with that same feeling I had from the previous entry. This time there is even

more of a feeling that the day is wide open. I feel like it is going to be a good day and that

I have nothing pressing against me. My head is clear and I’m ready to do almost

anything.


I’m not going to put much stock in that. I know how a day can turn against you and all so

I’m just going to wait. I hate feeling this way because it always comes down at the end. I

start the day clear headed and calm and end it frenzied and scatter brain. Maybe today

will be different.


Midday and still okay.


Just so you think I wasn’t totally unproductive. I did take my car down to the Sears

automotive center and asked them to check it because the engine light was on. They

didn’t seem like they wanted to do it, but they checked it and said something is leaking.

Not sure what all that is, but now I have to find someone to service it since Saturn has

gone out of business.

my choices are correct. To work and all the things I have to do and my faux pas or

I definitely have a love hate relationship with this day. I love that it comes around every

year. I always have this feeling of excitement, euphoria and peace. Yet, while those

feelings are there, they swirl around inside a mixture of loneliness, hopelessness, envy, and depression.


Like a little kid, I can’t sleep the night before. I’m always reminded what tomorrow is.

The adult in me knows that it is just another day. It is a day that I can be sure that my

phone works because I’ll get a calls from my parents or text messages from a couple of

people. It is a day that I eagerly make plans for next year and, in year’s past, I’ll make

goals for a year from now that will never materalize.


I can’t keep from making these goals. I even have a few this year, but compared to

year’s past, they are modest. I plan to work out (no surprise there). Yes, it has been on

the list for as long as I remember but this year I think I’ll keep it simple. I don’t have

anyone to impress. I don’t expect that it will make people look at me with new eyes. I

just think it’s time to do it. I’m not happy with how I look (never have) but it’s much

more personal than it has been in year’s past. Might as well make myself happy and

take it from there.


The other is; I’m going to keep up with my writing. It’s my only outlet and the only thing

that gives me some satisfaction. If I really get lost in a story I’m good. If I let the critic

get out then I’m stuck and trying to battle it back in, but what else do I have to do?

Rick sent a card today and in it, his last line said, “P.S. Enjoy your last year of your 30’s.”

That is so true! I need to enjoy it. Maybe that is it. So simple, so succinct…Enjoy this

year! Hopefully, it's not an omen or someone/thing trying to tell me this is going to be it

but just enjoy life. When have I ever done that? When have I did things on my own and

did something exciting? That should be what drives me. I should look back on the year

and be happy at what I’ve done.


I printed out a label with that phrase on it. I figure what do I have to lose. I might need

to define what it means, but don’t want to plan too much. Just need to go with the flow.

notecards and master screens from the program and put it in a word document that I

So, it is 12 am. The plan for tomorrow is pretty simple; I plan to write the Pilot of Talon

Command. I have written a version already, but it didn’t work. I don’t think I’m being to

harsh on myself when I say it was better to scrap it and start over fresh. So, this time I

beat it out using the “Save the Cat” software took that and blueprinted it (used the

notecards and master screens from the program, and put it in a word document that I

can write it from). I’m still developing my system. I have Scrivner but haven’t used it for

this version of my story. It didn’t feel right. I will go back to it but not for his one. Got to

do it and find my grove.

***

(11:26pm)


I spent the day in bed. I just felt I had to sleep and relax. I did go to the grocery store

and, later in the day, complete the teaser and Act 1 of Talon Command. I had wanted to

write the whole thing in a day, but I didn’t get a chance to. I was too lazy. I need to

break out that. I guess my problem is that I don’t see where all this will get me. I feel like

I’m spinning my wheels and doing all this and it may never lead to anything. I have to

keep going though. If I don’t like is pointless.


I did take a look at my Facebook wall post. I know it really shouldn’t matter but I did

have 72 messages and that didn’t count the four of five that I had a few days before.


I took a brief look through them. I found it interesting that I got a message from Xander

but nothing from Xavier. I know where I stand with him. It just hurts all the same. I think

hurt is the wrong word. I want to prove something to that prick! I want to raise my level

so that he sees me as more than a dick. It will never happen, but I did add him too my

Fuel for Fire list.


I want vindication or I need to let it go. I think I’m going to focus on letting it go. It is

easier said than done, but I need to try don’t I?


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