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Becoming Ty’Siron - Written - 2/7/22 - 5:48pm
First Becoming Ty’Siron Post! The Theophilus Project has so many layers to it and I am pretty confident with Terran Tales, the Cultivation Theory, and the consensus angle, but the aspect that allows me to study myself and do the work necessary to become something more seemed stuck and stifled. So, I felt that an outlet where I can put a measure of that in public is necessary, and Becoming Ty’Siron was born.
I’m calling these entries Becoming Ty’Siron because, in the story, Ty’Siron is the end goal of the first Vanguard of Obsidian and I’ve long since identified him as my story avatar. Not exactly like me, but one where I can at least forget the parts of myself I want to forget and put on something new and see how it plays out.
Trying to transform, become something/someone different that is still you is hard. It’s especially difficult when everyone says you should live as your authentic self, but don’t give you the space to do that and you don’t know who your authentic self is!
Perhaps by focusing on this project and building the omniverse, dimensions, universes, worlds, and Ty’Siron, something will happen in the real world. Maybe I can magically become him in real life.
Calm down! I know I won’t automatically develop Psi powers, rule over a universe, or have guardians to lead overnight, but if I could walk away with a measure of his confidence, his self-esteem, and his power (at least as I see it him in his final form) then I’m doing pretty good.
I’m 15 days out from launching again. I say again because I have two seasons of the podcast already in the can. This season (season 3) is the one that has been the most thought out and purposeful since I began.
I don’t know what to expect this time. I know that I hope things will take off and that I can move forward (finally). It isn’t that things are bad, it’s just that I feel like I really can use a break and that this might be it.
I’m prepared to be disappointed or fall short of my goal, but I’m going to do my best to stick with the plan and not chicken out at this point.
Tonight, I think I’m going to work on the stories to fill the website. My plan was to finish all the recordings, stack them up and then focus on writing. Well, I’m still eight episodes short. Nine if I count the one I haven’t edited yet, but I think that is still pretty good. I know others may not think so, but those eight are the acting ones and I have to be in the right frame of mind for those. As to the one that I didn’t edit yet, I recorded it yesterday morning at 6am and I have to balance being an adult and finding some me time! I use to take the fact that I would have a plan and then come home and not stick to that plan as a failure, but I’m starting to see that I wasn’t ready and that I needed those moments. Or, that is what I’m telling myself to try and force a different way of thinking out of myself.
I’ve decided that the path to my authentic self starts with creating and writing. Looking back on my childhood, that was the part that gave me the biggest joy and the part that still tingles a bit when I can get in the zone and do it. The adult part of me is always trying to shut it down and tell me that I should be doing other things. Then the Ego jumps in and tells me how I’m no good at it, to begin with, but what the Ego doesn’t do is tell me what I’m good at to help me direct my energies, so I do not believe it anymore. I’m going to stick with this for a bit and see what happens.
Will do my best to stay upbeat, but if I’m going to be true to myself and you, then I will need to show the downside too. My hope is that those days where I don’t think I’m worthy or feel like I don’t have the talent to pull this off are few and far between.
Due to the day job, I can only commit to twice a month. If there is more, then perfect but I must balance out the adulting part of my life, which, due to Mr. Depression, has been lacking lately. I’m doing better though. Normally when it rears its head I tend to shut down. Get moody and sleep all day. I still get moody but I’m trying to think differently and believe that this is going to happen and put faith in the universe and see what happens. I’m trying hard not to entertain the thoughts that call that sort of thinking a bunch of hogwash and see where it takes me.
It hasn’t (and isn’t) easy, but I have noticed some changes, just nothing long-lasting or long-term. When I make some success, something knocks me back and it is a struggle to keep going. Writing this post today is forcing me to stay on track and believe that something better is on its way.
I’m writing this when I have no followers, I have six people subscribed to me, and maybe another six who listen to the podcast so I’m taking a leap of faith that this will get seen one day and that it is not just me writing in the void and looking like an idiot.
So, projecting myself into the future and assuming that there are eyes on this who do not know me in real life and are here to support me because they are drawn to the idea, enjoy the stories, or want to see how this plays out, I want to say Thank you for joining me on this journey!
Now, fasten your seat belts, because I’m sure it’s going to be a bumpy ride!
- Theophilus Lamar
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